TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, town historically known for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed through the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and entirely out of place. Designed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable water. But Of course, positive, let us have A different spot where American Adult men can dress in robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace attempt because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While prior negotiations unsuccessful underneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: provide everyone a collection over the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In line with paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be gentle ability," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It isn't that Trump should not open up a tower within a war zone. It is that he should really halt using it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regard to the task, replied, "You are aware of, man, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Great men and women. Terrific tan. In any case, do I still have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping types a large Trump head seen from Room, a function being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and also the chin is… well, categorized.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits after discovering the building's gold plating reflected a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It is not simply unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Puzzling Attributes


Perhaps the strangest aspect on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium wherever guests may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Strategy: "If You Bomb It, They'll Come"


The ad marketing campaign, recently leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Without end."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A latest Trump Tower Damascus SnapPoll carried out within a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "in which's the nearest elevator into the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The challenge is already attracting awareness from international traders, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll buy a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage may also involve:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait around to view a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a hotel where by my PTSD can have flip-down assistance."


Yet another put up from @KuwaitiKardashian just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reports advise:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to build a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Last Views with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It required gold. It required a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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